Who's On Command?
by Benesound
Summary: Parody of Abbott and Costello's Who's On First.
1. Chapter 1

I just recently figured out how to edit the order of my chapters, so I decided to move the disclaimer that I had previously forgotten to include, here to the front page.

**_DISCLAIMER:_** Characters from Gene Rodenberry's Andromeda are the property of their respective production companies, the actors, writers, directors and any other person or legal entities with a lawful claim upon them. I also do not own the rights to the original Abbott and Costello routine of which this is a parody of. This is a work of fanfiction, written for the purpose of personal satisfaction and the enjoyment of others, and monetary or other compensation is neither expected nor desired.

Now on to the story...


	2. Chapter 2

** Who's On Command?**

Rommie walked onto the Maru. She needed to discuss something of major importance with her First Officer.

Rommie: Becka?

Becka: I'm on the Command deck Rommie!

Rommie entered the Maru's Command deck.

Rommie: Becka in a few days, we'll be arriving at Terrazed, where we'll be picking up some new crewmembers. You being my First Officer, I wanted to help you prepare for meeting them.

Becka: look Rommie, you being the ship, you must know all of the new crewmembers.

Rommie: I certainly do. I received a full report on every new crewmember.

Becka: Well you know I've never met them. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who I'm ordering around.

Rommie: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me these crewmembers have some very unconventional names.

Becka: You mean funny names?

Rommie: Strange names.

Becka: I've heard strange names Rommie.

Rommie: Not like these.

Becka: Rommie I've spent part of the last three years working for a guy named Gerentex, had a crewmember named Bohemial Fartraveler, and fell in love with a jerk named Anasazi.

Rommie : You have a point Becka. Let's see, Who's on Command manning weapons, What's on Medical helping Trance, and I Don't Know is on Engineering….

Becka: That's what I want to find out.

Rommie: I say, Who's on Command, What's on Medical, I Don't Know's on Engineering.

Becka: Are you the ship?

Rommie: Yes.

Becka: You're the Avatar too?

Rommie: Yes.

Becka: And you don't know the crews names?

Rommie: I know their names.

Becka: Well then Who's on Command?

Rommie: Yes.

Becka: I mean the crewman's name.

Rommie: Who.

Becka: The guy stationed on…

Rommie: Who is on Command!

Becka: I'm asking you who's on Command.

Rommie: That's the crewman's name.

Becka: That's who's name?

Rommie: Yes.

Becka: Well go ahead and tell me.

Rommie: That's it.

Becka: That's who?

Rommie: Yes…. (PAUSE)

Becka: Look Rommie, Do we have a new crewman on Command?

Rommie: Certainly.

Becka: Who's on Command?

Rommie: That's right.

Becka: When you pay the new Command Crewman who will get the money?

Rommie: Every dollar of it.

Becka: All I'm trying to find out is the new crewman's name on Command.

Rommie: Who.

Becka: The guy that'll get…

Rommie: That's it.

Becka: Who'll get the money…

Rommie: He will, every dollar of it. He's even made arrangements for his wife to get it sometimes.

Becka: Who's wife?

Rommie: Yes….(PAUSE)

Rommie looks at a very confused Becka.

Rommie: What's wrong with that?

Becka: I want to know, when the new crewman signed his transfer, how did he sign his name?

Rommie: Who.

Becka: The crewman.

Rommie: Who.

Becka: How did he sign…

Rommie: That's how he signed it.

Becka: Who?

Rommie: Yes…(PAUSE)

Becka: All I'm trying to find out is what's the crewmember's name on Command.

Rommie: No. What is on Medical.

Becka: I'm not asking you who's on Medical.

Rommie: Who's on Command.

Becka: One Deck at a time!

Rommie: Well don't change the crew around.

Becka: I'm not changing nobody!

Rommie: Take it easy Becka.

Becka: I'm only asking you, who's the new crewman on Command?

Rommie: That's right.

Becka: OK.

Rommie: Alright…(PAUSE)

Becka: What's the crewman's name on Command?

Rommie: No. What is on Medical.

Becka: I'm not asking you who's on Medical!

Rommie: Who's on Command.

Becka: I don't know.

Rommie: She's in Engineering, we're not talking about her.

Becka: Now how did we get on Engineering?

Rommie: You mentioned her name.

Becka: If I mentioned the new engineering crewman's name, then who did I say is in Engineering?

Rommie: No. Who's on Command.

Becka: What's on Command?

Rommie: What's on Medical.

Becka: I don't know.

Rommie: She's in Engineering.

Becka: There I go back in Engineering again! (Pause)

Becka: Would you just stay on Engineering and don't go off it.

Rommie: Alright, what do you want to know?

Becka: Now. Who's our new Engineering assistant?

Rommie: Why do you insist on putting Who in Engineering?

Becka: What am I putting in Engineering?

Rommie: No. What is on Medical.

Becka: You don't want who on Medical?

Rommie: Who is on Command.

Becka: I don't know.

Together: Engineering!…(PAUSE)

Becka: Look do we have any new Lancers?

Rommie: Sure.

Becka: The Lancer's name?

Rommie: Why.

Becka: I just thought I'd ask you.

Rommie: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Becka: Then tell me who's the new Lancer?

Rommie: Who's on Command.

Becka: I'm not…stay off of the decks! I want to know what's the Lancer's name!

Rommie: No, What is on Medical.

Becka: I'm not asking you who's on Medical.

Rommie: Who's on Command!

Becka: I don't know.

Together: ENGINEERING!…(PAUSE)

Becka: The Lancer's name.

Rommie: Why.

Becka: Because.

Rommie: Oh he's our new communications officer…. (PAUSE)

Becka: Look Rommie, of these new crewmembers, is there a pilot?

Rommie: Yes.

Becka: The pilot's name?

Rommie: Tomorrow.

Becka: You don't want to tell me now?

Rommie: I'm telling you now.

Becka: Then go ahead.

Rommie: Tomorrow!

Becka: What time?

Rommie: What time what?

Becka: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's piloting?

Rommie: Now listen. Who is not piloting.

Becka: I'll fry your circuits if you say Who's on Command! I want to know what's the pilot's name?

Rommie: What's on Medical.

Becka: I don't know.

Together: ENGINEERING!…(Pause)

Becka: Got a navigations officer?

Rommie: Affirmative.

Becka: The navigations officer's name?

Rommie: Today.

Becka: Today, and Tomorrow's piloting.

Rommie: Now you've got it!

Becka: All we got is a couple of days as crewmembers….(Pause)

Becka: Rommie, you know I'm a pilot and First officer.

Rommie: Yes I have noticed.

Becka: Say we're being attacked. I head to Command to take charge. Tomorrow's piloting, and a Heavy cruiser appears on the view screen. Now the Heavy cruiser fires a missile. When he fires, me being a good First Officer, I'm going to order my weapons officer to take it out. So I give the order to,…who?

Rommie: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Becka: I don't even know what I'm talking about!…(PAUSE)

Rommie: That's all you have to do.

Becka: Is to give the order to my weapons officer.

Rommie: Yes!

Becka: Now who'll shoot it?

Rommie: Naturally….( PAUSE)

Becka: Look, if I give an order for the weapons officer to fire, somebody is going to fire. So who fires?

Rommie: Naturally.

Becka: Who?

Rommie: Naturally.

Becka: Naturally?

Rommie: Naturally.

Becka: So I turn around and give the order to Naturally.

Rommie: No you don't you give it to Who.

Becka: Naturally.

Rommie: That's different.

Becka: That's what I said.

Rommie: You're not saying it right.

Becka: I give the order to Naturally.

Rommie: You give it to Who.

Becka: Naturally.

Rommie: That's it.

Becka: That's what I said!

Rommie: You ask me.

Becka: I give the order to who?

Rommie: Naturally.

Becka: Now you ask me.

Rommie: You give the order to Who?

Becka: Naturally.

Rommie: That's it.

Becka: Same as you! Same as YOU! I give the order to who. Whoever it is misses and we get hit. Slipstream and weapons are offline. Several crewmembers are injured and have to go to

what in Medical. I tell I don't know in Engineering to get slipstream back online. I don't know contacts Tomorrow saying slipstream and weapons are back. With weapons back online who fires? The enemy ship is destroyed. Unfortunately another enemy vessel exits slipstream. They want to talk to Because. Why? I don't know! She's in Engineering and I don't care!

Rommie: What's that Becka?

Becka: I said I don't care!

Rommie: Oh, he's our new Environmental officer.

Becka: (Runs screaming out of the Maru.)

Rommie walked out of the Maru calmly, as her Holographic form appeared.

Holo Rommie: How did it go?

Rommie: You were right. It drove her nuts.

Holo Rommie: Told you so.

Rommie: Now for Harper…..

**THE END**


End file.
